I spent a large part of my life in disastrous relationships. I freely gave my heart away until there was nothing left to give, and nothing left to break.
I have heard that struggles make you stronger. That may be true, but my heartaches made me hard. I was tough and cruel and insensitive to the pain of others. I was too busy protecting myself.
I built great stone walls around my life to keep out anyone or anything that might hurt me. For the better part of ten years, I did not even have the ability to cry. I was a stone.
I viewed disaster, destruction, and destitution with apathy and cynicism, because I had no heart.
The more I fortified my walls with denial, escapism, and alcohol, the more problems I had to hide from. Inside my fortress, I didn’t really feel safe, but it was all I knew. Inside this place I’d built for myself, it was dark, cold, and lonely.
At my lowest point, plagued by depression, anxiety, and thoughts of suicide, I cried out to God for help, and my prayer was answered. That’s when everything changed. That was less than two years ago, and today I am the happiest person I know.
The anxiety and depression were gone almost immediately, but in some ways, I am still a work in progress.
Today, at work, a dear friend made an off-hand remark that hurt my feelings. I carried it around with me for a while, because it really hurt. Then I realized something wonderful. I was heart-broken! That doesn’t sound like a good thing, but it is for me. I have a heart to break!
God gave me back my heart!
For so long I thought I was broken. I had been through so much suffering, in many ways, I was numb. Today, I realized that in the process of growing closer to God, I have become super sensitive. I feel things like real joy and real pain. I am sensitive to the feelings of others, as well as my own. I am sensitive to the presence of God as well as the presence of negativity and malice around me. I am actually alive in every sense of the word. I like to think that there are rooms in my heart where things like peace and joy actually live.
On the other hand, having this new heart is a bit frightening. I well-understand the risks involved when opening my heart to the people around me. How can I just blindly Love everyone knowing that they can disrespect this precious gift? How can I travel down the same roads without being destroyed all over again?
As crazy as it sounds, I am not afraid. I have torn down the walls and I will Love and care for everyone that I can reach, whole-heartedly and without reservation. How can I be so brave?
Because now things are different. Today, I carry within me the force of a Love greater than myself.
Sure, I will cry, but that’s okay, because I am Loved beyond measure. I am safe. I am protected. I am fortified by the strength of a God, who holds my heart, even when it is broken.
I Love you all!
Have a beautiful, blessed day!