Here is an actual entry from my journal, written less than three years ago. It’s hard to believe this was me.
I don’t know why I’m writing this. I’m so lost. The depression and anxiety is all there is. I don’t sleep well. My mind races with all my guilt, stupidity, and chaos. I want to just give up. Dying is so appealing. There seems to be no way out of this torture.
This is not about religion. I am not trying to convert you to any particular belief. This is not even a sermon. This is simply a snippet of my story.
When I wrote the above entry, I more closely resembled a wild animal than a civilized human being. Today, my language skills struggle to capture the feeling of being lost in the darkness of mental illness. The best phrase I can find is complete hopelessness.
There is a man in the bible who also has a story…
“always, night and day, he was in the mountains and in the tombs, crying out and cutting himself with stones.” Mark 5:5
Sound familiar? When I first read this, I immediately connected to this man. I was (at one time), wild, crazed, plagued by demons, and crying out in a land of death.
As soon as the man saw Jesus, he ran to him and fell down before him. Even in this state, he knew he was in the presence of God. Long story short, of course, Jesus healed the man, but here is the part that got to me.
“Then they came to Jesus, and saw the one who had been demon-possessed, sitting and clothed and in his right mind.” v 15
Here I am, sitting at my lovely computer, in perfect peace.
Jesus told the man, “Go home to your friends, and tell them what great things the Lord has done for you, and how He has had compassion on you.” v 19
I am writing this because it is my story. If you won the lottery, you would probably be excited and want to tell someone. That’s how I feel. I was so lost and now I am absolutely okay. I was dejected, angry, cruel, and miserable. I hated myself and every one and every thing around me, because I had no hope. God Loved that pitiful, wretched thing, and gave me a life of joy and peace. I am Loved in incomprehensible ways. Every day I discover another layer of grace.
Now, what should you do with this information? Possibly nothing. Just be happy for me.
But if you are going through something terrible, or maybe you are just unhappy, I pray you can see that there is hope. There is a way out. Don’t give up. Keep looking for the light.
Be assured, there is a Light; a brighter life, just up ahead.
These dark days will one day be the best chapters of your story.
I Love you all!